Above is evidence that God hates me. As you can see there was not a single matching pair. Oh the malevolence! Oh the disdain!
So alas, my 6 year old was forced to wear regular white socks to school today. Ultimately affecting his social perception and furthering him towards the title of… nerd. Damn you original sin!
*To any religious folks that may stumble upon this post (and will because I tagged your section of the internet). This is satire. I do not believe in God therefore I know it cannot hate me. I can only hope that you find some humor in this post even if it’s the chuckle to yourself over my blatant ignorance of God and my imminent residency in Hell. Have a great day and Thor bless!
There is nothing that makes me more excited than reading and learning about Mars. I know it’s only a matter of time before they find evidence for life on Mars. All of the ingredients are there, infused into the landscape like a burrito bowl from Chipotle. One may think that this would be it, the moment religion would die. I mean it would have to, right? Where’s the biblical explanation for life on another planet!?!
Never fear my heathen friends! Christian apologists have already came up with an answer. Drumroll please…
Eden had to of been on Mars. Yes, you read that right. They are saying that the Garden of Freakin Eden was on Mars!
I don’t have to spell out how ignorant that idea is. What other questions the notion raises. However the internet is breaming with these “brilliant” folks. This is just another example of Christians squeezing the puzzle piece where it doesn’t belong.
It appears Ken Ham officially won the debate. With a mere $50,000 investment (what he paid Bill Nye) Ham has been able to feed off of the debate’s popularity to fund his seventy three MILLION DOLLAR Noah’s Ark replica project.
Now I don’t feel bad for getting banned on Ham’s Facebook page for saying things like “there’s science then there’s Ken Ham science” and “real science doesn’t need public investors.”
The God all mighty Jehovah Savior Christ Lord Ghost of Holy sky and soul creature must be misty-eyed excited for Ham. There is no better way to send praise to your controlling parent-father-creator-thing by spending a shit ton of money on ridiculous stupidity.
I imagine Ken Ham praying thanks to his fetish… I mean god.
Dear heavenly invisible mind man, Screw all the starving children in Kentucky. Screw the homeless. Screw the cold, the sick, the injured, the impoverished, the addicted, and the helpless. Screw them and let’s build a fake boat that people can look at. Amen.
If only the Romans would of kept some of Jesus’ blood or a piece a cloth or even the spear that pierced his side. Maybe then the brilliant and incredulous Mr. Hammond could clone our beloved Savior, Jesus Christ.
I imagine this 21st century rapture and smile. I imagine the people lobbying against cloning with their angry faces preaching morality and spewing “WHO ARE WE TO PLAY GOD!” I picture them making excuses. Suddenly they condone this off brand rapture because to them it is the ONLY way the story is ever fulfilled.
Mr. Hammond takes the stage in front of 2 incredibly large golden doors. The HD news cameras is capturing the extensive etching. Beyond them is miles and miles of white fences. From our view we can see clouds rising up and we can hear the sound of laughter. The murmurs in the crowd grow and grow until Mr. Hammond clears his voice:
“I welcome everyone to Jurassic Rapture.”
The news crews awe in anticipation. People all over the globe but mostly in the US hold hands in prayer. The gates swing open slowly to the sound of trumpets and fireworks illuminate the sky. Beyond the gate is 3 sets of chariots attached to set of train tracks. The news crews rush forward fighting for side seats. The US is standing still.
The cars lurch to a start and Hammond begins.
“We have many wonderful sights for you. Here at Jurassic Rapture our primary mission is to bring you closer to Jesus for a small fee of course. This is no different than what the church as been doing but our facility offers the real deal. Sooooo we have made multiple clones that way our guests may view Jesus in all their favorite stories. Coming up on your right, the cross!”
Its the fine line we walk after running away naked, feeling filthy and full of anger. Anger towards those that have lied to us, scared us and made us feel insignificant. Anger towards the years of believing a myth, engaging in pathetic rituals and wasting most of our life in pursuit of a giant illusion. This hate is deep and it causes me to lose what I honor most. Logic, reason and rationale.
When discussing religion I find atheists becoming what they despise most. Including myself. We become an unapproachable force or sarcasm, ridicule and in some case fiery hate. We won’t budge on our views and we will not listen to the opposition. We forget that we were there once. Once it was you lost in a brainwash of fearful mind slavery.
I am writing this to remind us all that these people are still our friends, neighbors and in most cases our family. We have so many resources on our side. You can’t lose a debate if you follow 3 simple rules.
•Always state your opinion
•If you don’t know the answer don’t pretend to
•Be a gentleman/gentlewoman
Remember you have science, common sense, logic, reason, education and so much more in your corner!